Awkward Conversations with... Your Family (and everybody else)

Lauren Vitale
Jul 19
3 min read

Part 4 of a series on difficult NFP conversations. Read part one here, part two here, and part three here.

Humane Vitae outlines a hierarchy to guide couples’ discernment when using natural family planning: couples should prioritize their duties first toward God, then themselves, then their families, then outward to society (§10). Our families of origin and society DO play a role in our discernment, but they should be kept in proper order. If you have one of those families that kind of looks at you sideways each time you announce a pregnancy, wondering “You know what causes that, right?” (Yes, we teach classes in it.), take a breath, remember their concerns do matter, but maybe not as much as you are assuming.

There are quite a few saints who chose paths contrary to their parent’s wishes, so let’s remember you’re not alone if you’re prioritizing God’s will in your life, and following a path that veers from the one your parents had planned for you, however well-intentioned. St. Catherine of Siena’s parents fought her on her plans to be a consecrated virgin, and St. Francis of Assisi’s father actually locked him in a tiny dungeon to prevent him from living a life of poverty and prayer (joke’s on him, a dungeon is a perfect place to pray!). The choice to welcome lots of children, or work with a natural fertility doctor to treat subfertility, may not seem so drastic as these cases, but you are allowing the Lord to shape your life in a way that is counter-cultural! Putting God’s call first is exactly how we become Saints: we unite our wills to God’s will, and other people often challenge that. Growth is uncomfortable.

Baldassare Franceschini, Saint Catherine of Siena, 17th century. Dulwich Picture Gallery

How will we know if we’re on the right path in our discernment of family planning? Peace, and priorities. In a very practical way, go back to that list from Humane Vitae and see how your priorities line up! Are you first praying, individually and as a couple, asking God how he wants to work within your marriage, either through welcoming more children, or postponing pregnancy for a time, or indefinitely? God is ALWAYS number one, so start there. Next, how are you feeling? How is your spouse feeling? Look at your physical and mental health, your financial abilities, needs of children already born, and your support systems in place. THEN you can look toward your extended family, friends, work requirements, and social obligations. Discernment can feel multilayered and messy, and that's OK. When you’re offering it over and over to the Lord, the path forward will be very clear, and the conversations you have with family and friends will be filled with confidence, no matter the perspective of the other person. As you continue moving forward in prayer, the Lord will absolutely provide you and your spouse with peace. Don’t underestimate the power of prayer in bringing peace to your discernment.

To some extent, you may have to let go of the responses of others. While we don’t want to intentionally upset others, sometimes other people will feel negative things in response to our choices, and that's on them, not you. If you’re following God’s will and working to love and honor your spouse first among your human relationships, you can be confident even amid pushback from others. Inevitably others will judge you for your choices. Ring true, O Trending Mantra: Let Them. Let your parents worry about how you’re going to afford college for your kids. Let your friends pity you for not being able to travel on a whim. Let your co-workers think you’re an absolute nut for having 5 kids.

Likewise, receive the goodness around you! On a recent road trip, our family was so blessed to have AT LEAST four encounters with strangers who commented something like, “It’s so nice to see big families. You don’t see that much anymore.” There are people out there who see you, and are impressed by you. Just by existing, those cool kids you’re raising are witnessing the goodness of God’s love, and the abundance of life that he desires for all of us!