Awkward Conversations with... Your Spouse

Part 2 of a series on difficult NFP conversations. Read part one here.

My husband and I went for a run together. 3 miles. We argued for 2 of them and sulked in bitter silence for the remaining mile. I also achieved my best time yet for the distance, so clearly yelling while running is a real motivator for me to PR. I do hope the neighborhood folks appreciated the public display of our marital dynamics as we cruised down the sidewalk.

This argument was pretty reminiscent of every other argument before. You know that you never argue about the thing you’re actually arguing about, but all the things before. At one moment, I yelled aloud my frustrations, and I felt a moment of clarity, no doubt the Holy Spirit using our communication to help us grow in communion. I said:

“If I don’t feel heard, I’m going to say it louder. Otherwise I’ll do the opposite, and I won’t say it at all.”

Please don’t fall into the “I won’t say it at all” category when it comes to talking about NFP with your spouse! While we did argue on that run, it turned into an opportunity to grow in understanding with each other. Your spouse can be the person you communicate with most easily, or the person with whom you most easily lose your cool. Let me offer you my take on approaching some of the topics of NFP with your spouse (both husbands and wives!), recognizing that no two marriages are alike. Take what is good, and forget the rest!

Hot Topics Surrounding NFP

There are a few different topics that couples might struggle with when talking about NFP. For some, it’s the very practice of charting fertility that can be difficult to address. For others, there’s a difficulty in balancing frequency of intimacy for two people with two different libidos, or communicating how to show affection during a time of abstinence. Maybe discerning if and when to have another baby is causing some tension. I’ll often get the question of how to encourage the husband to be more involved in charting, or from the husband himself asking how he can show more active participation in the use of NFP. Whatever your topic is, know that it’s NORMAL to have a little bit of caution when entering into a vulnerable conversation. It can be intimidating to share your heart on these topics that are so closely related to the most intimate aspect of your marriage. If there’s an area of NFP that you’ve been struggling with, take a minute to pause and think about what it is, and remember that you and your spouse are working together to get to Heaven. NFP is sometimes one of the things that highlights the areas that need more virtue, and that’s going to take some work!

Will the Good of the Other

When you get ready to tackle the issue, enter into it with a mindset of love. You married your spouse because you love them and want them to go to Heaven, right? After a few years of marriage, the feelings part can be unreliable, so you’ll have to bank on your will. Remember that whatever conversations you’re going to have, it’s going to be to build each other up. I don’t think arguing is bad when you’re married and need to work through some stuff (think of it like a lively debate and a mutual seeking of the truth), but disrespecting the other person, or intentionally embarrassing them or calling them out for deficits in front of your kids or other family and friends can come from a spirit of bitterness and competition rather than love. By way of practice, make the effort to speak positively about your spouse to others, rather than complaining. This will help shape your heart in love, and keep you ready to have conversations that build each other up when the time and place is right.

Time and Place

Our run for conversation was great, because the kids were not around, we were doing an activity together which could keep us moving forward (literally and figuratively), and no one felt trapped. Often I’ll find that I want to correct and complain to my spouse immediately upon noticing some shortcoming, but that’s often not going to be received well. Setting a location that is private but comfortable can be a good first step. If there’s an event or comment that gets you wanting to talk about a difficult topic with your spouse, you can make a note and then think and pray it over before addressing it. On the other hand, don’t delay your conversations so long that you never talk at all. For some couples, having a scheduled time each month to talk about the health of their marriage can be a great way to address the time and place issue!

Don’t Forget to Pray

Before you even approach your spouse, have a little conversation with the one who loves you more than anyone else (that’s God, BTW). Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and an abundance of selfless love for your spouse. Not sure what to say? Start with “Come, Holy Spirit” and go from there. Bring the Lord your heart, even with all your worries and irritations. He can handle it. Pray with your spouse as well. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. You can say to your spouse, “Let’s pray a Hail Mary together, and then we can argue about that annoying thing I mentioned earlier.” It’s OK to be honest in prayer!

Gang up on the Problem, not the Person

One phrase that I’ll often say to my husband is, “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at the situation.” I find this has been helpful when both of us want to get defensive and blame the other person for some issue. Often we’re dealing with a problem that is outside of us, and really not any one person’s fault. We’re both fallen human beings, and trouble will come whether we like it or not. Both my husband and I are fixers by nature, and when we hear the other person is upset about something in our relationship, we can feel like we failed to fix the problem appropriately. You can imagine that if we treat each other as the problem, it’s going to lead to anger and blame really quickly. However, when we can get to the root of the problem, and realize that it’s not a personal offense, we are more able to tackle the issue as a team and come away from the conversation with a plan we both feel good about.

Keep Talking

It’s never one conversation. You’ll probably argue about the same darn thing 5000 times and still feel like it’s not resolved. That doesn’t mean you should stop working on it. Bring it to prayer again and again, and don’t forget to ask yourself “How can I love my spouse more fully?” Sometimes when I think it’s my husband’s fault, actually it’s me, hi, I’m the problem (sometimes). I can be so selfish and obnoxious, and when I realize that I’m being absolutely unreasonable, I really have to dig deep and apologize, go to confession to get some good graces to help heal my fallen nature, and then try again. Your path to Heaven is as long as your life, and filled with ordinary opportunities to grow in holiness. That’s going to include arguments with your spouse, so make good use of the challenges in your life, and keep showing up to love each other better!

Want a little more reading to support these conversations further? I recommend Lovemaking by Renzo and Monica Ortega!