Awkward Conversations with... Your Kids

Part 3 of a series on difficult NFP conversations. Read part one here, and part two here.

We’ve got no problem with teaching our kids calculus and chemistry before they’re off to college, so I propose we should not shy away in the least from educating our kids about natural family planning before they fly the nest. Certainly this is going to look different for each family, and for each child, but let’s not keep fooling ourselves that they’re too young or too immature to learn a bit about fertility. Some kids will ask questions naturally, while others are going to require that you set a time aside to talk with them. Let me assure you, you can do this! While I’m glad to take your money and teach your kids an intro to NFP that doesn’t include family planning instructions, I firmly believe that every parent is well-equipped to teach their children without needing to hire me to do it.

I’ve already written on this topic to some extent here and here, so I’ll take a slightly different path in this post and break it down by age group, giving some ideas from my own experience. I’m coming from the perspective of a mom of 5 kids, ages 5-16, four of whom are boys, so my personal sphere is limited to that age range. However I’d say I have some pretty solid professional experience with married couples on this. I’m not going to tell you anything you don’t already know, but maybe this is just a good reminder to chat it out with the kids!

Little Kids

Mischievous Child with Clearblue Monitor Covered in Dirt

The conversations on fertility absolutely start at a young age! I’m sure more than a handful of you have had the experience of a 3 year old finding your Clearblue monitor or test sticks and asking what they are. This is a good opportunity to begin the conversation, and make it normal to ask questions and get accurate answers. When my kids were smaller and asked what my fertility monitor is, I told them it’s a computer that helps me learn about my body, so my husband and I can decide if we want to have a baby. If that leads to more questions, you can answer them very directly as you discern your child is able to understand. Usually the one answer is plenty at the moment, but you’ve already started showing your kids you’re ready to talk when they are!

Probably don’t leave your monitor where kids under 5 can reach it just to prompt a conversation, though: I have 100% received that email that says “my toddler threw my monitor in the toilet.”

School-age Kids

The questions and conversations of 5-12 year-olds start to get a bit more complex and thoughtful, and this is when your own knowledge of fertility, and knowledge of your children’s dispositions will come in handy. Many girls will start their periods in this age group, so begin talking to your daughters about periods by age 9!

And guess what: boys can handle information about periods, too. I don’t hide my menstrual products (I don’t flaunt them, either, but kids are around at Target, you know?), and my sons are very aware that women have periods about once a month if they are not pregnant and that it’s a sign of health for women to have a regular period. We’ve talked about hormones, and how men and women are both required to make a baby, with the details of the information being dependent on the maturity and inquisitiveness of each child. Again, be direct and honest in your answers, and use correct terminology. Kids in this age group start to learn what an interrogative sentence is, so "menstruation" isn’t too far of a stretch.

If your kids aren’t asking questions on their own, this is a good age group to really hone in and talk with them about fertility. Kids can be exposed to this information at a very young age, and I can guarantee that you want them to learn it from you, not from random-kid-with-smartphone at name-your-sport practice. 10/10 recommend Compass for Parents as a resource for these conversations!

Teenagers

I still remember being a teenager, and I’d wager you do too. They care way more about what their friends think than what you do, but they still need their parents around to teach them. This is one age group where I’m not opposed to outside help to get the tough conversations going. I’m very blessed to have some holy and intelligent brothers, and my boys are open to talking with them about pretty much any topic. Sometimes my brothers initiate a conversation, but my boys know they can ask their uncles about anything.

A strong Catholic community is invaluable when you’re raising teenagers. I actually think being surrounded by Catholic culture is more essential for families with teenagers than it is for families with lots of small kids. When your kids are little, the mom needs community for her sanity. When your kids are teenagers, the whole family needs community so you don’t feel like the Catholic weirdos. Or maybe you’ll still feel like a Catholic weirdo, but you won’t be alone, which makes it more fun! Seek out good, holy friends who you’d be glad to be role models for your kids. You can be that for your friends’ kids as well!

You DO still need to talk to your teenagers about fertility. As always, it’s more than one conversation, and it’s not just “here’s a cycle, good luck.” The conversations might focus more around dating, vocations, what college life will be like, how to track periods for health, exercise and cycles, friendships, modesty, body image, and training your kids how to talk to their doctor about sexual health in a wholesome way. Most of all, I encourage you to remind your teenagers that they are created good, and teach them language that honors other persons as complete persons, not objects to be used.

Bottom Line

Don’t assume the school or the Church or some one else is going to take care of the fertility conversations with your kids. Pass along your values confidently. You’re absolutely going to say weird things and not always have the answers, and that’s perfectly fine. Keep the conversations going, and keep learning on your own as well!

You’ll know you’ve really arrived as a fertility-aware parent when your teenagers start making NFP jokes that are actually funny. My kids make their mother so proud.